Today's blog is inspired by two unrelated events:
- The recent suicide bombing which killed seven CIA officers in Afghanistan;
- US Major General Michael Flynn's (also) recent report on the need to reform intelligence operations in Afghanistan
Anything humorous (and "humorous") has a source in reality. First, the reality:
QUOTE:
The suicide bomber [first name: Humam] who killed seven CIA officers in Afghanistan was invited onto the heavily guarded base as a possible informant and, in a breach of security procedure, wasn't searched, according to three current and former CIA officers.
The bomber was escorted to the gym on the fortified complex known as Forward Operating Base Chapman for a meeting with a senior CIA debriefer, according to intelligence sources familiar with the incident.
:UNQUOTE [see Footnote 1].
Now, for the joke based on this reality:
Question: What were the last words spoken by a CIA agent, just before Humam al-Balawi detonated his suicide vest?
Answer [keeping in mind they were in a gym]:
"Humam! Welcome to our gym. Say! You look pretty bulked up* already, so you don't really need a workout. But join us anyway. Here, let me help you remove your flak vest."
* bulked up because of explosives hidden under his shirt
Interlude:
Before I proceed with my CIA roast:
Yes, I freely admit this post is in bad taste, and is only "humorous" in a macabre sort of way. Sometimes "bad tastes" have to be introduced in order to rid ourselves of all the sugary sweet stuff (bull shit propaganda) we're being continually fed. Sometimes macabre humor is necessary to make a point, which would otherwise evade the jaded. So, if there are any flag wavers out there who might take offense to anything in this post, a bit of advice:
You should adopt the mindset of the true intelligence professional and seek to mine my words for whatever might be useful to your cause. Then disregard the rest and by all means, don't be blinded by your emotions.
That being said, I offer the following for your sober reflection - all humor aside:
Maybe Humam al-Balawi wasn't the only double agent on the scene that fateful day. Maybe, just maybe, whoever didn't pat him down knew what al-Balawi was about to do. Maybe there were two double agents involved.
About Major General Flynn's report:
I'm going to assume that al-Balawi acted alone, and that CIA staff who had allowed him to enter this camp without a pat-down were incompetent (at least this one time). If so, that's obviously just one instance of incompetence, though sadly it cost eight lives (nine, counting al-Balawi's life, and I do). However, this quoted source covers incompetence spanning the eight years the US has been doing its imperialistic thing in Afghanistan:
QUOTE:
KABUL - NATO's top intelligence officer has ordered significant changes in the way information is collected and shared in Afghanistan, saying that without reform the U.S. intelligence community will continue to be only "marginally relevant" to the counterinsurgency mission.
In a stinging assessment of the U.S. intelligence effort after eight years of war, U.S. Maj. Gen. Michael Flynn directed intelligence workers to focus less on the enemy and more on civilian life.
:UNQUOTE [see Footnote 2].
All joking aside (at least for the moment), I suggest you (no matter your political persuasion) invest less than an hour to read General Flynn's highly illuminating (though somewhat self-serving) report entitled:
Fixing Intel: A Blueprint for Making Intelligence Relevant in Afghanistan [source: http://www.cnas.org/files/documents/press/AfghanIntel_Flynn_Jan2010_code507_voices.pdf]
My impression, based on this report: Apparently we haven't learned anything from our bitter experience in Vietnam. Bottom line? From the intel point of view, for the last eight years, we've been in Afghanistan doing nothing except dicking around.
Yeah, that's a crude way to put it, but you won't find a better or more succinct executive summary.
Now, on to the jokes
About that light bulb:
QUESTION: How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A few possible answers:
- "That's classified information."
- "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you."
- "None, CIA agents prefer working in the dark."
- "One, but he has to be briefed on the necessity of first removing the defective bulb."
- "The party needing it replaced - is he a warlord on our payroll?" If so, the bulb will be replaced as if by magic - with no agents appearing to be necessary for the job.
- "One, but there is an exception: If we're talking about a double-agent with recurring amnesia and a saboteur's heart, he'll screw in a replacement bulb, then induce that bulb to fail, and then replace the bulb yet again. And keep repeating the process. In other words, with such an agent in charge, the bulb will never be permanently replaced."
- "No more than one agent would be allowed to change this bulb, since using a few more would suggest incompetency and using a lot more would suggest an embrasure of the communal tendencies near and dear to the hearts of commies and pinkos."
- "No one would try to replace it. Instead, a team of agents would start torturing it until it decides to start shining again."
1,001 uses for a dead CIA agent:
These "uses" are in the spirit of the Dead Baby Jokes:
- If CIA leadership doubts a living agent's ability to follow any and all orders, they can order him to cannibalize a fallen comrade. If he says, "Can't do it, sir. He's looking right at me," then they can give him a flag and say, "Here, cover his face and then do it for Old Glory."
- Take two dead agents - then shrink and mummify them. Then use them as bookends. However, your books will inexplicably burst into flames if they're not on the CIA-approved list.
- Make them into soup that not even a starving cannibal would eat, and offer it to our Gitmo prisoners.
- For visual entertainment, make them into soup and then toss in a bouillon cube. Even though dead, they will react to anything French and get all agitated and frothy.
- Use them as a source for heart transplants...oh, wait...they don't have hearts.
- Form a mental picture of one agent and say, "At least, this one won't be tempted to do any more torturing."
- Convert them to sawdust and sprinkle over polluted bodies of water. All manner of things foul and nasty will gravitate toward this "sawdust" which can then be skimmed off. Voila! Clean water!
- Since the CIA is always looking for extralegal sources of funding, Leon Panetta could order that dead agents be mummified for sale on the black market as lackeys. There's always some warlord or potentate out there who'd be willing to pay dearly for his very own CIA lackey.
- Same as above, except don't mummify - petrify instead. Our enemies would love to decorate their homes and offices with spooks who look terrified. No, wait...I guess I had said petrify instead of terrify.
- Make sure he's really dead - these guys have a way of coming back to haunt you. If really dead, call Ghostbusters since CIA has surely done extensive research on how to maximize use of their agents - enabling them to work their mischief from beyond the grave.
- Use dead agents as a training tool for new agents who aren't very bright, saying, "This is what dead looks like - and that's how you'll end up if you don't follow procedures, such as patting down visitors to your base."
- Call the fallen agents "heroes" and then move on.
- Run one up a flag pole and see if anyone salutes.
- Make them into fertilizer and sell to our enemies, whose lands will lie barren for a thousand years after only one application.
And now, seriously speaking...
I know, I know...some of you might be wondering, "Aren't you afraid you'll piss off some CIA agent and he'll disappear you down some black hole somewhere?"
Answer: No I'm not, since the true CIA professional (and they are all unimpeachably professional, aren't they?) will know exactly what I'm driving at: "Get your shit together or people are going to start laughing at you." More than that - being loyal Americans, CIA would fight to the death my right to exercise free speech.
And if there are any CIA agents out there who are on the bubble concerning my fate, they should consider the next two stories - about General Curtis LeMay and Barack Obama.
Curtis LeMay
When I was in the Air Force, I heard an anecdote concerning General LeMay, when he was in charge of the USAF Strategic Air Command.
He was waiting in line to board a nuclear bomber, having to wait while the Military Police reviewed boarding passes. This brief procedure was necessary to assure that only authorized personnel could board the plane. When it was LeMay's turn, the sentry didn't ask for his papers but instead saluted and waved him through.
The General asked the sentry why he didn't follow protocol and review his boarding pass. The sentry said, "But I recognize you as General LeMay, Commander in Chief of this entire command."
The General snapped, "Young man, for all you know the President of the United States might have just fired me and voided my pass. We have security measures in place for damn good reasons."
Barack Obama
I have seen several photos showing Obama surrounded by his smiling, adoring troops after making a speech and then mingling with his soldiers. They were informally gathered around their Commander in Chief, with some of them even raising their cameras above the crowd to snap a better picture.
Frankly, that's a bit too loosey-goosey for my taste. I don't care if we have a volunteer military. Here's what I would say to these soldiers:
"That man is the supreme military leader of this country. You do not smile in his presence. You do not shuffle and gawk and say "Aw shucks, sir." You do not kick back and chill out in his presence. You are always to be at attention, staring out into space with firm, determined, and unemotional resolve. You are never, ever to lose your military bearing. What do you think this is, some kind of warm, fuzzy, family gathering? Your loose behavior sends messages, including this one to the President himself: It's okay to use troops as props in support of your political posturing.
"No, it is NOT okay. Soldiers, you have a job to do and how you carry yourselves - at all times - is part of that job and is of the utmost importance. Do not forget this."
This just in...
I was just about to post this blog, when I saw this:
QUOTE:
Defending his agents, CIA Director Leon Panetta said the bomber was about to be searched before the blast occurred [which killed seven CIA agents officers in Afghanistan].
"This was not a question of trusting a potential intelligence asset, even one who had provided information that we could verify independently. It is never that simple, and no one ignored the hazards," Panetta wrote in a Washington Post op-ed piece posted online Saturday. "The individual was about to be searched by our security officers - a distance away [my emphasis - please define "a distance"...inches, feet, yards, or what?] from other intelligence personnel - when he set off his explosives."
:UNQUOTE [see Footnote 3].
I don't believe Panetta's claim for one moment. For if the bomber was about to be searched, then why wasn't he searched before being allowed to enter the base? And if the search was about to be conducted beyond what was believed to be an adequate distance from other intelligence personnel, then we have to ask:
Have the terrorists managed to develop explosives for their suicide vests which are many times more powerful than previously encountered? If so, then that's a far bigger story than this particular bombing itself.
"Sorry, Leon. The more lies you tell, the deeper the hole you dig for yourself" - Steve.
Footnotes
Footnote 1: http://abcnews.go.com/WN/Afghanistan/cia-casualties-american-civilians-killed-afghan-suicide-bomber/story?id=9456517
Footnote 2: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100105/ap_on_re_as/as_afghanistan
Footnote 3: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/cia_afghan_attack
Steven Searle (was) a candidate for U.S. President in 2008:
"If I had been elected President instead of Obama, those seven CIA agents would be alive today. They wouldn't have been in Afghanistan in the first place - nor would any of our other forces still be there - or in Iraq - or (secretly) in Iran" - Steve.
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